


Scared

by kivvyin



Series: Rain: KageHina [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Changing Tenses, Cutting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One Shot, POV Third Person, Phobias, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 19:25:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7119370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kivvyin/pseuds/kivvyin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama is scared of the dark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scared

**Author's Note:**

> HAVE YOU READ THE TAGS? IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THEM DO NOT READ.  
> Based of a poem I wrote.

Think I saw a silhouette of a guy who was crying 

Oh wait maybe he was smiling 

I think he probably was dying 

Or at least he was trying 

 

* * *

  
 

Kageyama Tobio is always scared. He’s scared that he’s not good enough. That one day everyone will leave him. That one day he’ll wake up and forget everything. He’s scared of the dark. He has many nightmares. 

Sometimes nightmares become reality. Sometimes reality is a nightmare. To Tobio, one of his worst nightmare is forgetting, although sometime he wishes he would. He wishes he could just reset and start all over, but that would mean losing some of the best memories he has. Like that one time Hinata said that he was amazing or when his teammates said they needed him. Moments like that are irreplaceable. Despite all of the new memories, Kageyama is still scared. Right now, however, his number one fear is himself.  

\--

It’s dark outside, rain falling down the fogged windows, thunder singing and lightning dancing, and Kageyama is sitting on the floor. His hands are shaking, eyes red, tears falling down his face. His head is spinning, he wants to scream but he stays silent. He lacks color except for the red running down his leg. The lines start small, gradually growing bigger and more deep. The individual streams of blood flow down to meet at his knee, creating a river.  

He sits quietly, listening to the rain, watching the blood run down. A tear runs down off his cheek landing on his mutilated thigh. He breathes slowly, letting the euphoric peace he feels sink in. The clock ticks dragging on with every second, he waved his hands in circles to the beat, humming a tune, waiting as a minute turn to an hour. 

His leg had stopped bleeding by now and he’s packed the blades away. After getting off the ground, he glances into the mirror. The word ‘disappointment’ slips from his lips. He continues to him as he walks out of the bathroom. 

\-- 

At practice, Kageyama is his usual self. Yelling at Hinata, performing precise tosses, talking to the team, all of these things are part of his usual routine. He doesn't want to lose all of this. He wants to remain a valuable part of the team, he wanted to be needed. But he knows he’s not. Every step he takes, all the sets, the pats on the back, he knows they're all meaningless. _They'd_ _do that to anyone. Not just you. You aren't special._  

Practice is cut off short due to the weather. The rain has been nonstop all day and is getting worse. The coach decides it's safest for everyone to leave now. The team agrees. 

 -- 

Kageyama makes a stop on the way home, he needs to buy some band aids and milk for the house. He walks down the aisles of the mart and gets what he needs. The rain is getting stronger. The patters of puddles have turned into slams on the street. Humming, he goes to the cashier and hands him the money and pays.  

Outside its dark, the streets are empty and the only sound is the rain. ‘Rain. Stop’ Kageyama mutters those words in a repeating pattern, matching the beat of the droplets. His sneakers squeak on the pavement, he’s soaked. The clouds by now have covered the sky entirely. Much like the night before, the thunder booms and the lightning streaks shine against the darkness. Kageyama’s dampened sweatshirt send shiver down his spine.  

The street that he’s walking is accompanied by small shops with awnings providing shelter from the rain. He decides to step underneath one. He didn't realize how drenched he was until he was no longer getting poured on. He wants to take the sweatshirt off, but at the same time he can't. Not only was this a present Hinata gave him, it covered his scars, protected him from his insecurity. He wraps his arms around himself, turning his chin to his chest. The noise of the rain floods the silence of his mind, it's overwhelming. Ugly thoughts flow as tears flow down. ‘Pathetic’ The words sound so small when they compete with the loud rain, but to Tobio, the word is stronger.  

He had tears in his face, but his lips were curved up. Whimpers escaped his mouth, with the smile he wore you would think he was laughing. He lifts his head, leans it against the brick wall behind him and wails. His screams are lost in the rain.  

\--

The first thing Kageyama does when he returns home is change his clothes. No one would see him that night so he didn't worry about his skin. He walks into the bathroom shutting the door behind him, his heart is beating fast. It's like this every time, the rush of adrenaline mixed with fear.  

He opens his drawer, the hinges squeaking as it's pulled. It's neatly organized, face wash to the left and blades to the right hidden under tissue. The metal shimmers when the light hits it, grabbing Tobio’s attention.  

He grabs the blade and twirls it between his fingers. The juggling between his index and his thumb is taunting. _Just get on with it._ At first, he lightly drags the blade around creating nothing but a light scratch. The second time, he nicks his skin enough to draw blood, just a singular drop. It gets progressively worse as he continues. After he irritates the skin on his forearm too much, Kageyama moves to this leg. He rolls the bottom of the shorts up to by his hips, revealing old scars and fresh ones from this morning. It seems as though he's running out of room. His eyes scan his leg, looking for a place to start. There's no clear area. His leg is covered in tough skinned scars.  

He traced the old marks with his blade, pressing deeper as he goes. The discolored skin is covered with red. The blood drips down the side of his thigh creating a puddle on the floor. He hums silently to himself, nodding his head back and forth. The rain had calmed down by now. The pellets of water still remained on the window and Kageyama stared at them. He looked at his leg, then to the window, and back again. He was comparing the amount of drips. He wanted them to be the same, he wanted to have more, he didn't want to lose to a window.  

Kageyama began to make even more cuts, going over old scars and new ones he just made. He drags the blade strongly across his thigh, right, left, right, left, almost rhythmically. He had tears running down his face, again he begins to compete. He doesn't want to lose. He needs to win. There's so much blood by now that his legs is covered. The small puddle is now surrounding him. He's battling with the rain with blood, the tears with a smile, and the pain with more pain. He becomes weak, his arms giving out and vision becoming blurry. He fades in and out of consciousness, trying to fight the dark.  

Kageyama Tobio is afraid of the dark. He's also afraid to lose. It seems as though he's given up. He feels as though he's worthless. 

* * *

 

There once was a guy with a crooked smile,  

tears getting caught on his lip.  

He had a blade in his hand and no will to live,  

and one day he let himself slip. 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm sad. I regret everything. Sincerest apologizes.  
> (May do a re-write)
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nokenma) : nokenma


End file.
